Searching For Peace With Cancer

Ok, so October - or “Pink-tober” as its known to be called has been overwhelming so far to say the least. “Be aware of this”, “did you know about that”, “check this”, “squeeze that” ..... you get the idea. EVERYTHING is about my disease this month.
 

I am honored to be invited to two NFL Cancer Awareness games this month and I am humbled by the generosity of my “village” in the success of raising money for cancer support and research. This being my first Breast Cancer Awareness Month, with some would say why-too-much-intimate knowledge of the disease is, well ... a lot.

However, having gone thru hell and back, I feel the responsibility to share what I’ve learned about breast cancer to everyone and anyone who will listen. And as painful as it is to re-live and to focus so intently on this disease, if it saves one life, if it reminds one woman to get her mammogram, if it helps one other cancer patient to know she’s not alone, it will have been worth it.

The sharing of information and building of camaraderie with others going thru or having gone thru cancer is vital to truly “surviving”. Just knowing you aren’t the only one struggling with “tomorrow” is immensely powerful. And “surviving” means so much more than just getting through treatment. Now that I have basically completed my “active treatment” phase, I’m entering the phase of “survivorship” with anxiety and apprehension. What does it mean to have had cancer? Will it come back? How would I know?

To this end, I begin the third round of six of the chemo drug, Xeloda as a preventative measure. And I have entered counseling. Both group counseling and individual counseling in the hopes to seek out others who have walked my path and understand my fears. And to speak my truth and hopefully find peace with my “new normal”. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Keep rooting for me. #FuckCancer #Onward

Going beyond PINK for Breast Cancer

October is International Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Most folks are aware of the “pink ribbon” as a result of the tremendous marketing and visibility campaigns over the years. Now, I’m not what you’d consider a “pink kinda gal”. Being a red head by birth, the hue never went with my natural coloring, thus I never owned anything in pink. Never thought I would. But when you have breast cancer, everything associated with it is pink, and so I now have a plethora of pink: pink shirts, ink buttons, pink flags, pink pins, pink blankets, pink hats (you get the picture). And I must say, with my cancer-given hair which is now grey, pink works!

On one hand, the pink ribbon has become an internationally-recognized, visible symbol of my cancer. Possibly the most recognized symbol in the world. It is honestly a comforting feeling to see the pink ribbon everywhere, to see folks participating in walks, runs, on motorcycles, bicycles, doing CrossFit (“barbells for boobs” is a fav), having bake sales, etc.  all in their own way raising awareness and much-needed funds to support cancer research and to provide hope to those of us who desperately cling to the word. Makes me feel as if I’m not alone. That complete strangers are in my corner. Alongside me in the fight against cancer. In truth, it feels good.

On the other hand, October is just 31 days. For me, and others like me, breast cancer month is January, February, March, April….you get the point. I fear the color – and the month – allows some folks to escape the hard work of preventing and finding a cure for cancer. For working (and voting) to ensure cancer patients have access to affordable and good healthcare. What happens when November-December rolls around and Congress is back at attempting to slash medical research dollars at NIH, and arguing that letting states decide who should receive healthcare and who should be thrown into a “high-risk pool” is a good idea. I need folks to stay “woke” 12 months of the year, 365 days of the year. Let’s be real: my hope for a long life lies in the hands of cutting-edge cancer research, so funding for this work is critical, and to access to affordable and good healthcare. No doubt about it. 

Women – and men – need to be active in their own healthcare 365 days a year: learn about early detection, to get your annual mammogram, and to push your medical team for further exploration if something isn’t settling with you. We all need to be giving to and supporting the work of cancer research and organizations that provide comfort, care, and counseling to folks battling cancer, survivors and their families. And participating politically - and voting - for those who are working to uphold and better our country’s healthcare system so that everyone has access to affordable and effective healthcare. Getting cancer will forever terrify me about this issue. I need folks to pay attention and to be educated in the healthcare debate. It’s complicated to be sure, but please pay attention.  Ok, enough of the soapbox. You get the picture I hope.

So what will this breast cancer survivor be doing for Breast Cancer Awareness month you ask? I’ll be spending the month of pink raising awareness of breast cancer and the importance of early detection, attending a couple cancer awareness NFL games (!), and raising money for caring organizations who have been and will be there for me and others like me fighting for our lives.

So many of you have already joined me in these efforts. Words cannot describe how it makes me feel. Just know I cry every time I receive notice of another contribution. I really do. Liz and I are walking in the American Cancer Society’s “Making Strides” 5k at the end of October. If you would like to join me, there is still time. Give and/or come out and walk with me. Here’s the link to my page: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/JJB .  

Oh,and I'll be wearing pink....Thanks for rooting for me!!!  #Onward

Going Beyond Standard

Today, I started round two of six of the chemotherapy drug, Xeloda. As you know – if you’ve been following along - I decided to do extra chemo at the end of my “standard of care” journey, to give me the best shot known to modern medicine of not ever having cancer again. 

Xeloda is a drug primarily for colon cancer, although many women who have breast cancer that has metastasized (or made an unwelcomed return) take the drug as well. Fortunately, a clinical trial that ended in 2015 showed Xeloda could be beneficial for women like me as well. So, to no one's surprise who knows me, I'm going beyond "standard".

The short term “fear” of chemo is of course the dreaded side effects. God only knows what the long-term side effects of pumping poison into your body will do to ya. But let's stay focused on the present shall we? I’ve stared nausea, fatigue, malaise, sadness, anger, and a whole host of other shit dead on. So, after shedding a few tears in complete horror, I swallowed my first set of pills three weeks ago. You see, Xeloda is a pill form of chemotherapy. Unlike my other chemo drugs that were administered via IV through that handy-dandy medi-port installed in my chest with a direct line to my jugular (I lost that beauty along with my boobs in July), this chemo is up to me to take.Twice a day. With food. And a full glass of water. No nurse. No doctor. No one but me to remember and make it happen (and of course Liz, who, every morning so lovingly sets out my morning dosage in one of our wedding shot glasses). I admit, it takes a bit of guts on my part to voluntarily swallow chemo twice a day. But I do it because I choose to fight this fucking disease with everything modern medicine has (and thinks might work).

The side effects of this lovely drug include something referred to as “hand foot syndrome”, or more affectionately “HFS”. This is where the palms of your hands and the soles of your feet become red, swollen and blistered. Yipee! As well as the all-too-familiar twins: nausea and fatigue. At the end of my first round, I encountered a bit of nausea and my feet were sore but I think it was more due to the fact that I need new running/walking shoes – at least that’s what I’m whispering into my own ear at night. But of course, these side effects work on a accumulative effect. That is the longer you take the drug, the more likely and intense the side effects become - something to look forward to in the weeks ahead as they say. 

Eighteen weeks (on a cycle of 2 weeks on and 1 week off) on this drug will take me through the end of 2017. A full year of everything being about cancer. I never would have thought this could have happened to me and when it did, I could have never have thought I’d make it through, but I have and I will. I can only hope each one of us has the opportunity to overcome our fears and exceed our own expectations of ourselves. It's a pretty powerful feeling really. That feeling has helped me conquer much over this past year. I have come to know we humans are stronger than we think. Heck, I’ve faced everyone’s biggest fear – cancer – with my humor intact and my common sense vibrant and enlightened. Take, for examples: good quality, affordable healthcare, keeping us from a nuclear war with the world’s other small-minded “dictator”, and not forgetting the people of Puerto Rico are Americans who need our help to recover from Maria are much more important than pitting the fans of the NFL against the fans of NASCAR.

So, this morning I swallowed my chemo on a full stomach with a full glass of water and got caught up on “Schitts’ Creek”.  Funny, every time the character, Alexis is mentioned, my Echo spins awake. Funny. Keep rooting for me! #Onward