Yesterday I took the last of my
cancer treatment. Chemo has now ended for me. After an entire year of chemo, surgeries, doctors and meds, I can say my treatment for cancer is over.
Now, I will see my oncologist once every three
months for blood work and for a discussion of how I feel. Every three months for
the next three years, this will be my cancer-screening routine. The months,
weeks, days, and minutes in between I will struggle to find the new me and to
live my life free of cancer - and as free of worry of its return - as I can.
I have found monthly support groups
with other survivors and intermittent one-on-one counseling to be extremely
helpful. I practice my mindfulness mediation every day. Focused on the here and
now. I search – and hopefully find - what the day provides for me to be as
happy, healthy, and in the moment as possible.
I have been told by survivors and
my doctors that time out of treatment can be the most difficult. More than once,
my oncologist has mentioned this and to “let her know” if it gets too overwhelming.
During treatment, your days are scheduled for you. Doctor appointments,
treatments, medicine schedules - all meant to fight the disease - are structured
for you. Your job is to stay the course, pay attention, speak up, and follow
doctors' orders. Once treatment ends and
hopefully you are declared “disease free”, your medical team cuts you lose - in what seems as a quick and cruel fashion - to rediscover yourself and to find your own
path in this new life you’ve been given.
So that’s where I am. Figuring
out what and how much cancer has changed me. Whittling away those things that
are no longer important to my happiness. Determining how much stress I can
handle, how much excursion my body can take, how to deal with disappointment without
feeling defeated.
Anyone of us can be gone tomorrow.
Today, I’m as cancer free as you are. But those of us who have stared at having
no tomorrows have a deeper understanding of how precious each day can be.
Living a life satisfied and content. Not taking anything, anyone, anymore, for granted
can open up new possibilities and a lightness to how to live a life. 
I look forward to a tomorrow, but
I live for today. I breathe deeply and see more sharply. Putting off until tomorrow is no longer in my vocabulary.
If you knew me before cancer, you may not understand me as well afterward
cancer. But I invite you to try. Be my friend. Listen to my fears without allowing
them to frighten you. Just hang out sometime over a beer or a glass of tequila.
Happy New Year. I’m really glad
to be here with you.
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