Five years ago....

Five years. It has been five years since my cancer diagnosis. Five years of re-imagining my life, redefining and focusing on what is important to me and my family. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Sunday, July 24th is known as my “cancer-versary”. A date my wife finds odd and a bit unnerving to recognize. For me, the date signifies a definable mark. The date of my cancer surgery in 2017 that removed all signs of the disease from my body post chemotherapy. 

This year, the date also signifies five years post diagnosis and NED (no evidence of disease).  For my type of breast cancer, Triple Negative, five years out also represents a clinical milestone in the lowering of the probability of re-occurrence. So, the date symbolizes an end as well as to a beginning for me. An end to a mindless sense of comfort surrounding my good health. I will never again take for granted waking up and feeling well. And a beginning to what I define as important or significant; or perhaps better put, what I left undefined as important and significant. An end to allowing undue stress and pressure to build and an end to an air of invulnerability.

I am scared. I am scared. I live with a past cancer diagnosis and I will always be scared. I have learned to say that out loud and to lean on my family, my friends, and my physicians to hold me up.

I am also present. Present in today. In the now. And now, today, I am healthy. I am happy and I am strong. Learning mindfulness and practicing it every day has been my saving grace. I am aware of when stress is building, and I am intentional about the work required to release it.

Ok, stay with me here….If you have  ever sold a home, you are familiar with the scenario where you are told by your realtor that this needs to be fixed, that needs to be replaced, you need to give the place a fresh coat of paint, etc. Essentially, making the place better before letting it go. Why do we do that? Why are we ok with living in a home that could use a “sprucing up”? Where we know stuff should be better, but we do nothing about it until we are about to sell it, to let it go?

I have an innate desire to serve. I am wired by nature to be a caretaker. I have served my country at the highest levels of government, on Capitol Hill and within the White House. I have stepped up every single time I have been asked.  And this has not always been healthy for me. It has at times
brought imaginable stress and undue pressure. It is what I believe culminated in my cancer.

As a result, I left working full time after my diagnosis, yet I was called back to my career full time - albeit a less stressful version - less than 2 years later. My wife and I uprooted from a place we had called home for 30 years to be closer to my brother and his family because she knew that would be good for me. To start anew.  And why? Because why not? We could. We had the means. But we what we may not have is time.  

We have since purchased a second home in upstate NY to be nearer to her family because it is good for her, and me. I take a daily measure of my stress levels and I work with intentionality to reduce it. I make conscious decisions on what I do and for how long I do it. I am trying at all costs to avoid having to say that “due to my health I need to step away from this”. Instead, I step away now while I can. I take conscious control over my life and how I wish to live it out. I take in every sunrise, every sunset, every rainstorm. With awe and joy. 

And I have hope. Hope that I have a tomorrow. Hope that the tomorrow brings me peace.  

It is everything I wish for you as well.

So, happy “cancer-versary” to me. 

Keep rooting for me. #FuckCancer